When Finding And Keeping Love Become Painful

Insecurity can be obvious, or it can be much quieter and insidious.

And if you don’t understand how insecurity shows up in relationships – in you and your partner – and you don’t know what to do about it, you’re guaranteed to suffer.

When Finding And Keeping Love Become Painful

Insecurity will make dating hell for you.

It will knock your confidence, keep you from being present, and ultimately push people away – thus creating a vicious cycle.

You may think that you attract people who only let you down, but the reality is that your experiences are merely a reflection of what’s going on inside you.

We attract that which we are, so you are likely to get into a relationship with someone who has their own unresolved insecurity issues.

Once in the relationship, things quickly deteriorate between you and your mate. Insecurity makes relationships anxious, tumultuous affairs rather than the fulfilling, joyful partnerships they’re supposed to be.

Until you address insecurity within you, you will never be fully happy with a partner.


3 Subtle Signs You’re Insecure


The first thing you need to do is to wipe your mind of what you think insecurity looks like. Many times, we’ll resist admitting we are insecure because insecurity carries a negative and unattractive connotation.

But insecurity is actually a desire for safety.

Everyone on this planet wants to feel safe. When you’re insecure, you carry an underlying fear that you aren’t safe. Whether from childhood trauma or previous romantic experiences, insecurity keeps you in a state of anxiety. This anxiety can be very mild, but certain situations will trigger it.

Dating is an excellent trigger. When you’re falling for someone, it’s natural to fear one of two things: being rejected, and losing your sense of self.

Insecurity magnifies these fears dramatically, and they can show up in a number of ways:


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You give excessive thought to what you wear, what you say, and what you don’t say.

Do you try hard to make a good impression? Are you highly focused on how you come across on a date, and what they think of you? Do you go out of your way to cater to your date and make sure they feel good with you?

You may think you’re simply being detailed and thoughtful, but beneath your desire to “get it right” is fear and uncertainty. You think that if you wear the wrong thing or don’t respond a certain way, your date may be turned off.

Now, being kind and trying to show your date a good time are very good qualities. But they become a reflection of insecurity when you are highly invested in what the other person thinks of you – and you become despondent if they decide not to pursue a relationship with you.

You have a tendency to fall hard and get wrapped up quickly in a relationship.

Do you have a history of romances that start out fast and heavy?

Intense chemistry like this is almost always based on projecting one’s gaps and fantasies onto the other person. You can’t possibly know if someone is right for you when you know so little about them.

If you meet someone and quickly think “this is IT,” you are filling in the “blanks” with your own extrapolations and plugging them into your idea of an ideal partner.

True intimacy takes the time to develop. But when you’re afraid that nobody will stick around, this creates a “hunger” that drives you to latch onto a person as if he or she were your one and only opportunity. In essence, you are assigning them the role of your “savior” – rescuing you from the underlying pain of insecurity. You think that if they love you, they will be able to take away any feelings of self-doubt or worthlessness within you.

You get involved with people who pressure you into commitment or need rescuing.


Do you seem to be a magnet for women who only want to get married or to men who need mothering?

You may think that you’re the secure one who always seems to attract needy partners. But insecurity is very clever.

You may be attracting high-maintenance people in an unconscious attempt to cover up your own fears of inferiority. In other words, you feel “superior” when you are involved with someone you deem inferior. When you are truly secure, you attract equally secure people.

This form of insecurity is the most stealthy of all. Conveniently, you can blame your “insecure” partners for your struggles with love. You can tell yourself that your altruistic ways make you susceptible to people who drain you.

We’re not saying you aren’t a good-natured person. But a pattern of getting involved with needy people is an indication that you should look inside yourself and find your own insecure tendencies – otherwise you risk continuing your struggle with the next relationship.

What Insecurity Is Trying To Tell You

When you are insecure, you worry about what others may think of you. You feel they will not like you exactly as you are. In short, you don’t feel you are ENOUGH.

You assign OTHER people to be judges of your worthiness.

In doing so, you invalidate a very important person: YOU.

Insecurity is actually a reflection of what we think about ourselves and how much – or how little – we love ourselves exactly as we are. It has absolutely nothing to do with other people. It only appears this way, because the more insecure you feel, the more you will push other people away and create drama in your relationships.

Over the past 30+ years of working with singles, the most critical realization people have over and over is this: realizing there was an unloved part in themselves that needed to be loved.

What is it in you that you haven’t learned to love?

Is it your anger? Your hips? Your stubbornness? What about your insecurity?

In order for you to break free from insecurity and be more confident and self-assured, you need to first love yourself for being insecure.

A New Path: Loving The “Unlovable”

Insecurity is like a megaphone from your inner being blaring: Please love me, comfort me, accept me.

Like a crying child, it will not go away if you ignore it. And if you try to make it leave or scold it, it will become even more distressed and petulant.

This is exactly what happens when you are trying to start a relationship. If you haven’t dealt with your insecurity first, it will rear its head as soon as you try to get something going with someone.

Your inner child will feel threatened that you are diverting, even more, attention away from it. Instead, your inner child wants to be first, especially when you’re involved with someone else.

The minute you make someone else a higher priority, your inner child will act out – in the form of fears, clinginess, picking fights, and sabotaging the relationship. It’s like trying to date when you have a small child. That child needs to feel safe, loved, and number one before it can trust this new person in your life.

That’s why, if you’re dating, the most important thing you can do for yourself, your partner, your relationship, and your inner child is to learn to love yourself.


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